Behold!
by jaderook
Summary: And now for something completely different.


Sarah Williams was wielding a ream of paper before her. Her dark hair was gleaming and she was wearing her poet shirt, so she really meant business. "Behold!" she said dramatically. "I bring you the Labyrinth tale never told before!"

"So says _you_," Hoggle said grumpily.

This was not an unusual occurrence, thus Sarah was not daunted in the least. She primly ignored his skepticism and continued her spiel. "It is a fan-fiction of the highest quality. Consisting of—"

Hoggle snorted. The dwarf waved her off contemptuously. "Cor! Not this again! Ain't yeh had enough of that fan-fiction, Sarah?"

Sarah glared at him. "Are you done? Because I was just going to enlighten you as to how _this_ one is different."

"Well- _that_ is what yeh've said all the _other_ times," he huffed. "Oh, Hoggle!" he said in a falsetto voice, "_this_ one is a romance between the girl and the Goblin King! And _this_ one is about the girl being wished away by her brother, and _this_ one is about how the Goblin King still tries to get the girl and the girl is being completely stubborn the whole time, blah, blah, blah!"

Sarah's response was to lift the printed pages and clear her throat. "Once upon a time—"

"Ludo knows," the fuzzy orange rock caller said sadly.

Sarah huffed and flipped a page. "Okay, how about this? It's about the Goblin King's evil brother and the High King! He may even have a meddling mother or sister somewhere in it."

Ambrosious cowered under his own paws at this and whined pathetically.

Sarah pursed her lips and flipped yet another page. "Aha! I bet you haven't seen _this_ one yet!" she said triumphantly. "The girl is now in college slash a writer slash an actress slash a teacher slash an artist, et cetera, et cetera, and is being wooed by the Goblin King Aboveground in disguise slash maybe not in disguise."

Sir Didymus sighed. "Milady," the fox terrier said woefully.

Another page was flipped. "You're a hard audience," she murmured. "The girl has her own goblin admirers living with her and following her around Aboveground and the Goblin King finds out, comes to investigate, and romantic shenanigans ensue."

A fiery threw his head at her. "Dat tale's done been told."

Sarah glowered and flipped a page. "Jealous Fae women who want the Goblin King cause trouble for the girl?"

A little goblin yawned.

Another page was flipped violently. "The Goblin King has been invading the girl's dreams, finds loopholes, something something about the peach, and forces her to run the Labyrinth again, also ending in romantic shenanigans?" Sarah forced out through gritted teeth.

Heads were shaking all around.

Sarah sighed as if put upon. "Gratuitous oubliette scene, a tale of revenge, and sex. Lots and lots of sex."

Her little brother, Toby, made a gagging sound before going back to his video game.

Sarah tucked a dark strand of hair behind her ear and then raised a triumphant eyebrow. "Cross-overs! The girl goes to Hogwarts or Harry Potter is wished away or is the son of the Goblin King."

Hoggle's arms were now crossed.

Sarah defiantly had a death grip on the last page and her jaw was set stubbornly. "This one has entire songs from the movie in it—and I'm pretty sure the summary didn't include the phrase, 'I suck at summaries, please read anyways.'- so that has to count for something."

The Goblin King, who was lounging indolently across Sarah's window seat, smacked his riding crop against his boot in irritation. "Forget about the fan-fiction, Sarah."

Sarah looked stricken and turned to Jareth. "I can't."

Jareth stood. He smirked evilly and held up another printed out ream. "Remember this?"

Sarah paled at seeing her own Labyrinth stories in the Goblin King's hands. "I didn't mean it. It was an accident."

Jareth gave Sarah a look of dark amusement. "Oh, you didn't mean it? What's uploaded to the Internet is there forever," he mocked.

Sarah held a beseeching hand out towards her Labyrinth stories. "Please," she begged.

Jareth moved them out of her reach. "Do you want it?" he taunted. "Then do your research, plot, edit—get a beta reader—"

Sarah shook her head stubbornly. "I can't. Don't you understand that I _can't?_ I'm busy, and while I appreciate what you're saying, I just want them back, if it's all the same."

Jareth shook his head at her in mock exasperation. "What a pity."

Sarah lunged at her fan-fiction stories, but Jareth was too quick for her and held fast to the papers.

Jareth had a sad look on his face. "Don't defy me, Sarah," he said seriously. "You're no ordinary girl, so don't write like one. If you do as I say and just plot and edit, then I will be your beta reader. I don't make this offer to just anyone."

Sarah looked uncertain but held her ground. "Through stories untold and fan-fic challenges unnumbered, I have written my way—"

Jareth looked at Sarah desperately, as if trying to save her from herself. "Don't you see what I'm offering you, Sarah? A chance to not embarrass yourself again before it's too late; because after you've uploaded it to the Internet, there's no going back."

Sarah finally looked as if sense was getting through to her. She nodded to Jareth and sighed in defeat. "Okay. You're right."

Jareth held her fan-fics out to her and Sarah took them, as well as the butane lighter that he was also kind enough to provide. As she was setting her stories on fire, Sarah looked at the trashcan in which they were burning. "You have no power over me!" she yelled cathartically.

Jareth looked pleased, and then sat back down on the window seat. He looked at everyone expectantly. "Well?"

Everyone, including Sarah, stared at him in silent confusion.

"The Scrabble game!" Jareth huffed. "It's why I'm here."

Sarah got the game out and looked at him challengingly. "I think Scrabble is a piece of cake."

The Goblin King gave her an evil grin. "Oh, Precious Thing, you've not seen anything yet."

* * *

My life is relatively incomplete without parody, and I've yet to write one pertaining to this fandom, so it had to be done. Please read and review.


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